Emotional Development
Dedicated to Helping People Create the Ultimate Satisfaction — A Meaningful Life
Universal Relationship Issues
Vol. I: Conversation—the Ultimate Chemistry
Today, I am presenting the first of 14 blogs on the complex topic of how to create, maintain, and grow intimate romantic relationships. Our first topic begins where most romantic relationships begin, with the experience of chemistry and conversation.
Have you ever observed how often relationships begin with fiery chemistry—but then end because of a lack of connected conversations? If you have, does it make sense that creating intimacy in romantic relationships requires we understand both chemistry and conversation?
Everyone wants to feel chemistry because it fills us with energy and makes us feel alive. Chemistry can be confusing because we all have a different take on what the word means, but even so, we can identify some universal elements. Physical attraction is at the top of many people’s list of priorities for creating those fiery feelings. After looks, we move on to personality characteristics, for instance, we may feel chemistry because a person is humorous, kind, ambitious or intelligent. Surprisingly, more women have told me they married their husbands because he made them laugh than for any other single reason.
Other sources of chemistry can be a desirable social status, money, or shared activities, belief systems or social networks. There are also neurotic sources of chemistry. For instance, if we had a parent whose approval we could never get, or who was critical and rejecting, we may feel chemistry toward someone with similar characteristics and unconsciously pursue, catch, and then try to change him/her! As an aside, I have never seen this strategy work.
All the standard sources of chemistry provide motivation for hooking-up, but are not helpful in maintaining and growing an internally satisfying romantic relationship. To build satisfying intimate relationships we need to master offering conversations that are personal, truly significant, lightly humorous, and satisfying. Satisfying personal conversations provide intimate connections and are a critical source of the intense energy we call chemistry that everyone wants to experience, but finds is often elusive, especially in long-term relationships.
To understand the experience of conversation we need to see that it comes in many varieties. At its worst, what we often call conversation is sometimes just dueling monologues. This frustrating experience occurs whenever it is our purpose to prove a point, have our say, get attention, and generally suck the energy out of another person.
A dueling monologue is easily identified whenever people express their assumptions, beliefs, conclusions or judgments with no desire to understand themselves, life, or another person.
We can observe dueling monologues in everyday life when Democrats and Republicans try to talk with each other, when friends try to discuss a controversial issue, or romantic partners try to resolve a conflict. Dueling monologues are created when we defend and explain our assumptions, beliefs, feelings, conclusions, or judgments.
By contrast, in creating satisfying conversations we rely on observations and questions to explore and discover until we understand something new about ourselves, life, or another person. Satisfying conversations generate chemistry because they feed our internal need to understand and be understood—not our desire to be heard, feel important or be right!
Whether we engage in dueling monologues, or just polite banter and exchange of ideas, normal conversations are often a discussion of external events, favorite stories, and tired old conclusions and judgments. Rarely, do normal conversations explore significant topics with a whole-hearted desire to understand what is true—no matter where it might lead.
One consequence of normal conversation is that instead of creating connections and chemistry we build emotional walls around ourselves so thick that neither life nor other people can penetrate our defense. In spite of the fact that we all need conscious connections, normal conversation can make it certain that we are rarely touched. As a result, we can be surrounded by people and constantly engaged in conversation, and still be totally isolated!
On the other hand, if we learn how to use observations and questions to explore every significant issue or conflict until we discover and then understand some new aspect of life, ourselves, or another person—we embark on an adventure where we are pioneers on the last frontier—exploring the human mind and emotions. When we undertake this adventure with another person who wants to share the work and the risk, then we tap into an infinite source of renewable chemistry. This is truly the best and most satisfying experience life offers!
After a lifetime of being taught to acquire beliefs, draw conclusions and make judgments that we explain and defend, it can be a shock to learn that now, we need to master making observations and asking questions in order to explore and discover ourselves, life, and other people. Think about it, just on hearing the words alone what generates the most excitement, the idea of explaining and defending—or the experience of exploring and discovering?
What do you think fills the beginning of relationships with passionate energy? You may not have noticed, but it is the experience of exploring and discovering that generates all the initial energy and passion. Then what happens? We soon learn everything about the other person as we hear their beliefs, conclusions and judgments stated over and over until there is nothing left to explore or discover. Boredom sets in, big time. Now, all the things that originally created chemistry—looks, money, social status, personality etc. start losing their power and quick as a bunny our relationship loses those fiery feelings we so loved!
Learning how to explore and discover by mastering observations and questions is needed in our personal lives as well as in every relationship—that is, if we want to fill ourselves with passionate energy for living, as well as for loving.
How about it: Do you want to learn how to live and love with passionate energy?
This is a momentous question and your answer can permanently settle you into the path you have already created, or start you on a new and passionate path that leads you on an adventurous and out of control course toward unknown but internally satisfying experiences.
For such an important decision give yourself time to think and consider. If you decide to explore and discover you will replace the certainty of relying on beliefs and unchallenged assumptions, conclusions and judgments with the un-certainty of exploring and discovering life by observing reality accurately and asking intelligent questions. One consequence of this new path is you will experience greater joy and more intense sadness, and both will be out of control. It is impossible to live and love and maintain the illusion you are in control. Sadly, living and loving vs. control is an either-or choice.
If you want to give yourself more time to think about it, or if you already know you want to create a life filled with passionate energy, then stay tuned for the next blog-How to Create Conscious Connections that Renew Passion & Resolve Conflict.
Internal development is a complex task so if you want more information it is available by visiting my website, www.paulhatherley.com. If you click on the ordering books link you can read the Forewords to my two books: The Internal Development Necessary to Become Loving & Wise and Expressing Love—Pursuing Truth—Experiencing Beauty: Timeless Steps to the Ultimate Satisfaction—A Meaningful Life.
You may also order one or both books by simply clicking on the provided links to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Balboa Press. You can also call me to schedule an individual session to focus on your personal issues and learn how to engage this educational process of developing your mind and emotions, or request information on upcoming workshops and classes.
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Universal Relationship Issues
Vol. II: Conscious Connections Necessary to
Renew Passion & Resolve Conflict
Renewing passion and resolving conflict are skills everyone needs, but few people master. How about you; have you mastered the internal skills and awareness necessary to sustain the passion in your romantic relationship and actually resolve the inevitable conflicts rather than bury them until they become an underground river of resentment and frustration?
Not surprisingly, the first skill we need to master is how to offer truly caring attention backed up by a focused desire to understand, rather than be understood. It is the powerful combination of caring attention with a genuine desire to understand that creates conscious connections to our own experience, as well as the experience of other people.
Have you gotten enough caring attention and true understanding to feel emotionally safe, intrinsically worthwhile, internally full and deeply loved? If you have, you are one of the rare ones, and need to feel grateful. Even if you have gotten all the attention and understanding you need; did you use this experience to pass it on to others? For everyone who did not get enough caring attention and understanding as a child, or as an adult, and anyone who got enough attention but failed to learn how to give it to other people, this article contains critical information about how to feed this most important internal need.
Caring attention requires that we consciously focus our energy on another person for the innocent purpose of wanting to understand him/her. Focusing our energy for the manipulative purpose of getting approval, sex, or some advantage may qualify as attention, but it is not caring attention.
To resolve a conflict we need to focus our energy and attention on our mate’s perspective until we understand precisely what in fact happened from his/her point of view. Then, we need to ask questions until we understand his/her motivations and purposes. Finally, we must learn what is needed to resolve the situation from our mate’s perspective.
So you ask, “What about me; what about my perspective?” You are important too! Only, if you want to be an adult and truly resolve conflict, then your perspective must come second. Once we understand our mate’s perspective, it becomes our turn to use the same process to define our own point of view. Now, we can understand two points of view, not just one. We can see where we agree and disagree on the facts, we can see each others’ motivations and purposes, and we can usually see what is needed to resolve the situation.
At the very least, understanding two points of view will teach us where we need to continue making observations and asking questions so we can exploreand discover precisely how to understand the issues, resolve the problems, feed the needs, and create lasting intimacy.
Two major shifts in everyone’s normal process are required to make this evolutionary shift in human awareness and skill. The first, most difficult and most fundamental shift is moving away from trying to be understood to being the one responsible for understanding, even if we have to be all alone in this responsibility. Everyone I have ever met has resisted this shift of priority and responsibility, and yet, can you see that if we all made this one shift how the whole world would be changed, not just the world of our romantic relationships?
The second evolutionary shift is moving away from defending and explaining our own perspectives and moving toward using observations and questions to explore and discover our own and our mate’s perspectives, in detail. What precisely, defines our mate’s perspective? Seven things; motivations, purposes, priorities, needs, wants, choices, and behaviors. Once we define all seven, we truly understand our own and our mate’s perspectives!
There is magic in this work because by the time we understand both perspectives in detail, we not only know how to resolve any conflict, but the process of exploring and discovering each other’s perspectives creates many more layers of intimate energy, chemistry, or passion; which of course, we all long to maintain and nurture in our romantic relationships.
Learning how to transform conflict into chemistry is real-world magic, and it far exceeds the normal attempt to use fantastical beliefs or sentimental feelings as flimsy substitutes for conscious connections and real love.
Renewing passion in our long-term relationships is a consequence of discovering that passion requires infusions of new energy, which must come from the internal activities of growing, giving and sharing. This is as true for our individual lives as for our long-term romantic relationships. It’s handy that one solution resolves two universal human problems: How to live and love with passionate energy!
It is also helpful there is just one source of growing, giving and sharing; which is learning how to use observationsand questions to explore life, other people, and ourselves until we discover what is true and needed. Isn’t it great that what seems so complex is so simple?
Normal experience offers the energy draining process of defending and explaining all our opinions, beliefs, judgments and conclusions as the ordinary grist for the relationship mill. Once we clearly contrast exploring and discovering with defending and explaining it becomes obvious what so predictably kills the passion in everyone’s life and relationships, as well as precisely what is needed to bring us all back to life.
For instance, no one can grow in his/her skill and awareness while defending and explaining, while using observations and questions to explore and discover make growing in our understanding unavoidable. This seems simple and obvious, doesn’t it? So why does everyone seem so reluctant to learn how to use observations and questions to explore and discover life, other people and themselves?
Perhaps because exploring and discovering feels more vulnerable. What do you think? What feels more vulnerable; exploring and discovering the uncertainties of everyday life, or explaining and defending your beliefs, feelings, assumptions, judgments and conclusions?
The paradox is that exploring and discovering just feels more vulnerable, but in fact reality is always just what it is whether we acknowledge it or not; so why not feel vulnerable, acknowledge reality, learn about life, and experience a totally sustainable passionate energy?
Discovering the facts and needs that define life, other people, and ourselves is growing, and this process leads us into uncertainty, pain, joy, risk and responsibility, which provides a totally reliable source of new energy. When we share this process with another person, we create a predictable source of renewable passion and lasting love.
You may have guessed that this simple process of learning how to explore and discover so you can grow, give and share, requires a complex degree of internal growth and information. If so, you are right! This is the reason I have written two books on the subject of internal development: The Internal Development Necessary to Become Loving & Wise and Expressing Love—Pursuing Truth—Experiencing Beauty: Timeless Steps to the Ultimate Satisfaction—A Meaningful Life.
For more information, you may visit my website www.paulhatherley.com and learn about me or read the Foreword to each of my two books. If you want to order one or both books a link is provided to Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Balboa press. You can also learn about upcoming workshops, or contact me by phone or email to inquire about classes and individual sessions to will help you in this pioneering adventure exploring the last frontier, the human mind and emotions. It’s all very fun, and I am looking forward to working with you.
Next in Volume III, we will continue exploring universal relationship issues by contrasting Good Intentions vs. Competent Actions.